Screaming in Aldi

I know Aldi divides opinion. Some people (like me) love it. Others (like Ben) hate it. I appreciate his comments on the disorganisation of the store and the random way price tags are displayed, but my love of a bargain overcomes this!

However, the screaming in Meanwood Aldi, Leeds today was not connected to either of these. My nearly 2 year old son screamed for around 45 minutes as I did my shopping and queued to pay. "Let me go!" and "Get off me!" rang around the store after he refused to sit in the trolley and I held him to prevent him from removing items from the shelves and getting squashed under other trolleys - (because who knew, but Monday morning is the busiest time in Aldi?!). There was not much I could do. I had already completed at least half of the shop by the time this started and I needed the food for that day. The twins sat with their hands over their ears while he screamed and I'm suprised the rest of the shop didn't!

I would like to thank the many Aldi shoppers who commented to encourage me and to sharewith me that they had also experienced moments like these.'One of those days', 'You must be exhausted' (I was - I had wrestled with a 22 month old for 30 minutes while pushing a full trolley and twins around!), 'Do you need a hand?'  - I have not had a child melt down experience in a shop before (and I have had many!) where I felt so positive reinforced!

So why did I still feel embarrassed? Feel like how my child behaves is what other people judge me on? I'm sure that this is true - that other people do judge me on how my children behave. But whether people encourage me positively when my children misbehave, or behave with disapproval, or even just when they do neither but just have no idea what to do - I still end up feeling embarrassed and like I'd like to disappear into a hole in the ground! I can only conclude that it is myself that proclaims judgement on myself when I fail to have my children behave 'correctly'.

David in Psalm 3 manages to sleep despite his enemies (including his son) coming to hunt and kill him. He isn't anxious, even this doesn't keep him awake because 'the Lord sustains' him (v5). God is his 'shield, glory, and the lifter of his head'. And because of this he can leave anxiety behind.

I don't want to find glory in how my children behave, I don't want to pat myself on the back if they are perfect specimens of Aldi shoppers - and I don't want to break down in despair, embarrassment and guilt if my boy screams for 45 minutes in the aisles- or if my girls won't eat their tea, or if they frequently fight each other at nursery! I want to show grace and consistency to them because God has showed that to me - knowing that 'salvation belongs to the Lord' - not to people whose children don't scream in Aldi. In fact Jesus came to rescue both those who scream in Aldi and those who seek to keep them from screaming - we both need Him desperately.

'You don't have to be good at being good for God to love you. You just have to believe what Jesus has done and follow him. Because its not about trying, it's about trusting. It's not about rules, it's about Grace: God's free gift -that cost him everything' (Jesus Storybook Bible).

Time spent on Facebook could be.....

- A cup of coffee and a read.
- A twenty minute run.
- Praying.
- Bringing the washing in from the line  - smelling of spring.
- Reading a story to my kids.
- Making a cake.
- Reading a Psalm.
- Writing a note to a friend to send snail mail.
- A phone call.
- Making something for my girls.
- Building a train set for my boy.
- Making at least 2 meals.
- Knitting.
- Reflecting on and praising God for the good things He has given me.

I'm not a Facebook hater. In fact I do use it a lot to communicate with people - I'm sure it enhances my life. But the majority of my time on it is not in direct conversation with others, or even posting about myself - but purely in reading statuses and articles that others have placed up there. Some of these are great  - others less so (I mean, cats are cute, but when you watch several videos a week of cute pets....something is wrong!) 2.5 hours a week is a conservative estimate of how long I spend on this website every week. I want my life to be lived in relationship with others - not just observing them and reading stuff they read! God doesn't just observe us - He wants to know us and love us and transform us. I want my relationships with others to mirror this. So I'm going to pray that I can reduce my time reading articles and increase my time actually talking to other people and appreciating them and therefore life more!

As it is in Heaven

We've been talking about prayer a lot at Redeemer Leeds these last few weeks. A few things have really stood out for me  - I imagine because of what is going on in life at the moment.
"Your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven"
I think I have struggled with the 'your will be done' bit a lot. As in all the normal ones  - like, if God's will is going to be done - why should I be praying? But also a few rather weirder ones. As in 'what if God's will is to have me suffer? Or bad stuff happens?' That has even made me feel scared to pray for God's will. But a few things have become clearer:

1. Bad things happen in the world, to everyone, not because of God's will, but because the world is fallen and sinful. God can and shows, numerous times in the Bible that He will use messed up people and situations to bring about incredible good - even rescuing people through the death of Jesus.

2. God is my loving heavenly father. If I love to give good things to my kids, even though I lose my temper with them every day - how much more will God love to give me good things?

3. I need to be clear what those good things are. They may be physical blessings - but I should desire those that will last  - spiritual ones that moths and rust can't get to. If I am at rest in Jesus, then I will want his will more - by reading the Bible more I will know and pray for those good things He promises me there.

4. Praying that situations and people will be redeemed - that they will reflect and be now like they will be in heaven has become a powerful vision for me. Knowing that a close friend who died recently is there and is experiencing 'no more mourning or crying or pain anymore' seems to have spoken to my heart that although these things are for the new heaven and the new earth - Jesus tells us to pray for those things NOW.

So I want to pray for situations where people are angry, sad and damaged by sin - that God will restore peace and send forgiveness and reconciliation.

I want to pray for where people are struggling under the weight of guilt and shame, that God will free them through Jesus' death and resurrection and that they would be free to enjoy his grace.

I want to pray for lives touched by pain and suffering that God will send comfort and healing.

I want to pray for those struggling with the burden of everyday life that God will give renew their strength - that they would be able to run and not be weary.

God's kingdom starts now.

'Make everything in the world right again.

And in our hearts too. 

Do what is best  - just like you do in heaven, 

And please do it down here, too'.

(Jesus Storybook Bible)

When life disappoints....

One of my three year old twins spent yesterday afternoon at home whilst the other was at nursery as she was ill. We had a delightful time (after her initial horrified reaction that she was going to miss nursery!). We read books snuggled in bed and then spent an hour or so creating bean bag monsters (which she called owls) from a craft pack she'd been given for Christmas. Her delight in her owls was wholehearted - 'They're just what I wanted!' 'Small enough to fit in my hand' 'Don't they look cute Mummy!'. She spent the rest of the time playing with them before we woke up A and headed out to pick up her sister from nursery. She brought two owls with her - one to show her teacher, and another to give to her twin.

Disaster struck as we headed up the road in the car as parts began falling off them - and she couldn't find the wing or the beak or the foot that had fallen off. Despite searching for the parts when we arrived  - I couldn't find them either  - the things she had made were now, in her mind, ruined. And I had to drag a screaming child into nursery to pick the other up and then carry her back to the car over my shoulder with her kicking and screaming for her 'owls', but not being able to hold them or play with them when the pieces were missing.

We never found the pieces - she then ripped all the others off! But it did teach me several things....

1. That crafts with adhesive sticky backs do not stick well......I will avoid them in future!
2. More importantly, that my kids are learning that life sometimes disappoints. Things we are so proud and excited about break. That this makes us angry, sad and unhappy.

After she'd calmed down (and I'd made a bean bag owl on my sewing machine that will NOT come apart!) we had a chat about it all. She's learning that things break, that I can't always fix it, that being angry isn't a sensible response - about how to deal with those things. But it is a life lesson. Life is full of things and people that disappoint us.

When we don't get the job/career we so wanted and planned for.
When relationships don't fulfil our dreams of what they might be.
When the 'perfect children' we imagined paddy and scream and fight.
When we make a great project - toy, cake, meal and spend time and money on it and it doesn't go right.

What I shared with my little girl is that actually these things can never make us happy - the way the world is means that these things won't be enough - that stuff will break and people (including ourselves) are broken. That's not to say that we don't enjoy these wonderful gifts  - people are made in God's image and are full of pictures of the love and joy he has lavished on them - God has given us great things in the world with the desire that we will enjoy them. BUT if we make these gifts the things that will make us happy - we will always be disappointed. The real treasure is God - He should be what we strive for, long after and pursue. We will still experience pain and disappointment in life, but where our hearts are  - He will never disappoint.

'Jesus said, 'Coming home to God is as wonderful as finding a treasure! You might have to dig before you find it. You might have to look before you see it. You might even have to give up everything you have to get it. But being where God is - being in his kingdom - that's more important than anything else in all the world. It's worth anything you have to give up!' Jesus told them. 'Because God is the real treasure'. 

- Jesus Storybook Bible - Matthew 13.

C S Lewis - The Last Battle

I love C S Lewis' books - and I absolutely love his Narnia series the best. To be honest, The Last Battle isn't my favourite - but there are some great parts in it - and this bit has been particularly pertinent over the last few days and weeks:

And as he spoke He no longer looked to them like a lion; but the things that began to happen after that were so great and beautiful that I cannot write them. And for us this is the end of all the stories, and we can most truly say that they all lived happily ever after. But for them it was on the beginning of the real story. All their life in this world and all their adventures in Narnia had only been the cover and the title page: now at last they were beginning Chapter One of the Great Story, which no one on earth has read; which goes on forever; in which every chapter is better than the one before.

When we face death around us - when we lose people we love dearly, when we face death ourselves - when we ask Why? The hope that there is more than this, that actually The Last Battle has been already fought for us in Jesus - and that with Him we will live out that better story - that allows me to carry on.

A Modern Pilgrimage? The unlikely pilgrimage of Harold Fry.

Although confused at first by quite what the author intended for Harold (was he really going to walk to Berwick-Upon-Tweed in his yachting shoes?!) I quickly grew to love his character and connected with so many of the themes in this book. It really does seem to be a book that asks many questions without giving many answers - which is what Harold seems to do throughout his walk as he ponders the twists and turns his life and relationships have taken. He is a stoical, composed character who does something completely unexpected when faced with the death of someone who played an important part in his past life.

His walk to Berwick on Tweed to keep Queenie alive takes on both moral and spiritual significance as he struggles with the reality of loss and death in life. His broken relationships with his son and wife show how despair and loneliness have pervaded his character until he no longer really relates to anyone. His memory of Queenie pushes him forward to Berwick -of how she was interested in him and used to talk to him during car journeys, how they connected over a similar feeling of 'not belonging' in the office, how she sacrificed her job and career to cover for him. His walk is certainly an awakening for him as he ponders and remembers memories from his own childhood, of how he met Maureen, of their marriage and his relationship with his son. I cried with him as he called out for his son. I cried with him over his desperation and despair as he finally gets to Berwick and realises he can't stop Queenie dying.

The author touches heavily on themes we don't really talk about in our society - death, guilt, blame. Perhaps it is because we feel as despairing as Harold on these issues that we don't approach them. It is easier not to think about them at all if we have no answers. Harold's reconciliation with Maureen was a very welcome last section to the book - giving some hope that his life (and hers) might hold some happiness for them  - but still uncertainty about how long that would last. As there is for all of us.

There is a rawness to Harold's emotion that can't be hidden or resolved. Because death - of his son, of Queenie - and broken relationships  - with his Mum and with Maureen, although ever present with us, were not meant to be. We are angry, scared and hurt by death, guilt and blame because these are not things that we were meant to experience. As a Christian I can't pretend to not be terrified of dying and of others around me dying, but I can trust and remind myself constantly that God has planned through history to restore life to what it should be  - without death or tears or mourning - and that He did this through Jesus. I think that if I read this book without this hope I would despair - but with Jesus I can celebrate each day of life as a gift and look forward to a future without these things that I fear so much.

Chicken pox and control.

So last week we had chicken pox in our household. I have been dreading the day when spots appeared on my children and to be honest, every dot and rash that has been on their body ever - I always wonder if it is chicken pox. Well, this time it was! And the week that Ben was away as well!

It was only really bad for each twin for two days (and so far Athol has not caught it.....), but for those days it was bad. Enough to watch a lot of back to back television and for me to allow them to sleep in my bed! The night seemed to be the worse time. For several late evenings I helplessly tried to placate and medicate Hope as she danced around the lounge semi-clothed, hysterical with itching. She would fall asleep, exhausted in my arms, only to twitch herself awake minutes later. I tried to put her back to bed  - but the only place she would sleep at all was next to me (which is rather nice as it makes one feel wanted!).

Laying next to a sleeping, but constantly twitching, child  reminded me of Psalm 131 -

God, I’m not trying to rule the roost,

    I don’t want to be king of the mountain.

I haven’t meddled where I have no business

    or fantasized grandiose plans.

I’ve kept my feet on the ground,

    I’ve cultivated a quiet heart.

Like a baby content in its mother’s arms,

    my soul is a baby content.

Wait, Israel, for God. Wait with hope.

    Hope now; hope always!

Our culture is all about becoming independent, self sufficient, in control. In fact most of our lives are spent striving for this, or trying to create a picture of ourselves for other people that we are in fact doing these things. I constantly try and be in control of situations or relationships  - with chicken pox I convinced myself that the correct combination of amusement, medication and patient soothing would be what was needed. In fact this only went so far, in the end, what Hope wanted was to lay beside me, even though she was still itching, and this quieted her.

We try every solution before we talk to God about our problems. We plan every step before we commit our future into His hands. What God actually wants is for us to be resting on Him like a baby or child. Content to talk to Him, wait on Him, be quiet before Him. He's teaching me to be a resting (perhaps twitching with the cares of life!) child, praying through the chaos of life.